The Full Monty
by dayzero
Summary: Finally completed! Thank you all for the reviews! Please R/R. At last the group hit the stage but will it all be a massive sucess or it will it all go to the hot chocolate pot?
1. Space Invaders And Chippendales.

* ~Notes~ *  
  
I don't own any of the things I mention here. Period. Yes this has been done but I came online and saw it as soon as I had the idea. (Shrugs) Sure look at all the Mary Sues etc. Now on with the story. And no. I'm not leaving out words. It's called dialect aka words or phrases people use in a specific area. Reviews are much appreciated as I need a confidence boost. Im just a girl with dreams. If you're not familiar with British Dialect there is a dictionary at the end.  
  
1.1 The Full Monty  
  
2 Aragorn slammed the machine against the wall. "Dammit. Lost again.." he scowled. He pushed the machine back into its normal position then left, leaving the "Space Invaders" title screen rather deformed looking. The bar was packed to the brim with people coming home from work and the usual number of unemployed people in the corner. Smoke from cigarettes filled the air and the TV blasted out flashing pictures of footballers scoring goals.  
  
Aragorn sat at the bar, ordered a pint of beer, then read the newspaper in front of him with the headline "Strippers Roll Into Town". While he skimmed though, quite intrigued by the word "strippers", a beefy hand landed on his shoulder.  
  
"No point in lookin' mate. They're all poofters getting their balls out for our women."  
  
Aragorn's black hair spun round as he turned to see who the voice belonged to and he frowned.  
  
"Our women? My woman?" he growled.  
  
"Too right. Your Arwen was in the make up section of the chemist today picking out new lipstick….Not that I was there, course…" he gulped. "The wife seen her."  
  
Aragorn frowned. His Arwen was going to see some toy boy strutting his stuff for her. No doubt she would compare to him and begin to complain…Then leave him for someone else and he'd be jobless and wifeless. Wonderful. Wife Runs Off With Poofter To Jamaica.  
  
"So Boromir what do you think of this balls up then?" He jumped back out of thought to reality.  
  
"Not bloody much." Boromir answered.  
  
"You letting your Angie go then?"  
  
"Have no chance in hell of stopping her."  
  
At that moment a tall blonde youth in a checked shirt and khaki coloured, so tight that they made Boromir hiss through his teeth "Christ almighty.." and nudge Aragorn , jeans walked up beside the two mates and ordered a bacardi and coke. He then sat down, crossed his legs and stared in front of him.  
  
Aragorn stared at him, raised an eyebrow and while grinning asked, "So Legolas. You going to go see these manly beasts take their kit off? Better watch yourself."  
  
He winked. "Don't want you being left broken hearted now."  
  
"Let the wankers get their man tits out." Legolas tittered. "All it is, is a sock down their boxers and baby oil."  
  
He turned to face Aragorn, page 3 spread out in front of him, pint in hand, and Boromir peeking over his shoulder with a cigarette in his mouth.  
  
"Smoking's bad for you." Legolas sipped on his drink and muttered.  
  
"Do I look like the kind of person that gives a shit?" Boromir answered.  
  
"Its bad for your complexion," he countered back.  
  
"What complexion?" Aragorn burst into hysteric laughing.  
  
"Hey! At least I don't sit on my ass all day playing Space Invaders and sipping, wait, knocking back, pints."  
  
"Your right," Aragorn mused. "You sit on your ass all day in the job club knocking back coffee, doodling on the page 3 girls, smoking fags and tapping on a computer which you don't know how to work."  
  
It was now Legolas's turn to laugh manically so much that he spilt his drink round him. Leaving a damp patch around his groin area.  
  
"Oh shit, bollocks, crap…"  
  
"All the words not in the Bible," Aragorn joked.  
  
At this point, everyone in the pub was looking at the spectacle of Legolas cursing non stop for 5 minutes while frantically rubbing at the damp patch trying to get rid of it with no such luck. He jumped about the room, hopping on one leg and still wiping and whinging as he went. Eventually he fell backwards through the swinging door of the men's restrooms. Everyone laughed and muttered. The bar returned to the way it was and Legolas's whines couldn't be heard further than the second table away from the toilets.  
  
"After that episode," Boromir began. "Is he sure he's in the right bathroom?"  
  
Aragorn just sniggered.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
2.1.1 At The Job Club  
  
It was a cold, wet, dull day outside the job centre which enclosed Aragorn and all the other jobless or lazy people. The wind started to rage and the rain beat down on the windows. A soaking wet Pippin burst in the door, great waterfalls of droplets running off his nose. Since they had not very far to travel to the ground, it made a huge, spreading puddle in no time.  
  
"It's bleedin' pissing it down out there so it is!" He exclaimed as his coat was peeled off him.  
  
"Nothing changes then," Aragorn mumbled.  
  
"You could have drowned Pip! Are you ok?" a concerned Merry questioned while dragging the coat across to the electric heater in the far corner.  
  
"I'll live! It's a good thing I'm not in Frodo's shoes though! He has to walk to his work n' its 5 miles out of town!"  
  
"Cleaning up cow shit I heard," Boromir whispered as he sat down opposite Aragorn.  
  
"Ewwww!!" squeaked a voice from behind. "Boromir! I didn't need to know that!"  
  
Without turning around, sitting in his red plastic chair lighting up yet another cigarette, Boromir said, "So Leggy…Did you recover from your little accident last night? Or do we need to hire Frodo to clean up after you just like he does for his animal friends?"  
  
"It isn't just cow shit." Aragorn started. "There's sheep shit, chicken shit…."  
  
"Goat shit!" Merry continued.  
  
"Dog shit! Cat shit! Goose shit! Horse shit!" Pippin grinned.  
  
"Can we drop the shit talk please?!" Legolas cried out. Obviously having bad mental images.  
  
"Ok," they all murmured in agreement.  
  
"BULLSHIT!" Boromir cried out.  
  
"I SAID TO STOP WITH THE SHIT TALK!!!!" Legolas screamed like a banshee on phonics. He quietly then added on, "Your making me feel nauseous."  
  
"I just stabbed me finger…son of a…."Boromir continued to rant, oblivious to Legolas's sudden outburst.  
  
"The page 3 girls are having their revenge for you doodling over them." Aragorn muttered. Pippin and Merry both smirked behind their hands.  
  
Before Boromir could rid himself of his life threatening wound, the green entrance door was flung open and an extremely saturated and annoyed looking Frodo entered the job club. He was wearing a ripped brown mac with waterproof trousers in a dull shade of grey. On his feet were, what looked like under the mud casing (Legolas hoped it was mud), green wellingtons. His face was a bright shade of pink, his nose burgundy, and his lips luminous crimson in between the gushes of water running down his forehead and dripping off his chin. He scuffled over to the heater and started to strip off his waterproofs, each piece being accompanied by loud smacking of water hitting the floor.  
  
After about ten minutes of warming up, being forced to drink Merry's version of what he called "tea", and settling himself down at the table where everyone was gathered, Frodo finally spoke.  
  
"I quit."  
  
Everyone blinked. Then stared. Then all looked at Frodo again in a gaze which said "Do tell us why cause we can't be arsed to ask."  
  
"Ok." Frodo began. "Number one. The place is a hellhole. Number two. I don't appreciate or fancy cleaning up mess for the rest of my life whatever the salary is. Number three. The people are twats. Number 4. I can't be bothered walking out day in day out."  
  
"Mess?" Pippin asked confused.  
  
"Shit, Pippin." Frodo answered.  
  
"What made you quit though?" Pippin asked.  
  
Boromir sighed. Aragorn doodled on the page 3 girls. Merry poked Legolas. Legolas slapped Merry.  
  
"He just said why Pippin." Aragorn said in between doodles.  
  
"I thought you didn't doodle on the page 3 girls," Boromir asked Aragorn mockingly.  
  
"Shut up, I'm bored." Aragorn responded lost in his doodle bikini affair with the brunette in front of him.  
  
"He did? But he just counted and said points." Pippin replied, confused again.  
  
"Pippin," Frodo said expressionless. "The job was shit."  
  
"Oh! Well why didn't ye say?" The penny dropped.  
  
Later on in the day, Sam arrived looking flustered and anxious. He had no money in his bank account whatsoever and was panicking as his wife, Rose, thought he did and was spending it on a ski holiday. He was only on the dole. The good thing was though, he did have a job interview which was why he was anxious as well as flustered.  
  
"Good luck, Sam." "Hope you get the job." "Do your best." And similar comments were being aimed at Sam before his impending interview. Then he rushed or rather tripped out the door in the rain. Which was still beating down.  
  
"Bastard," Boromir said under his breath.  
  
"Your just jealous cause he got an interview n' you didn't!" Pippin jumped up and walked over.  
  
"No, not Sam."  
  
"Who then? Legolas?"  
  
"My ears are burning!" Legolas shouted from a far off corner next to the TV.  
  
"No, not even that poofter."  
  
"What are ye on about then?" Pippin got annoyed and walked over back to his seat.  
  
"These Chippendales fellas. Look at 'em. Make you sick." Boromir grumbled. He was looking at a fold out from one of the local papers. Six guys topless, one with his trousers down round his knees, were staring back at him.  
  
"They earn up till two or three grand a night, ye know. Its good money for a bunch of bastards eh?" Merry commented with some disgust. "My wife's going to go see them." He then pouted and read a magazine. Muttering abuse under his breath.  
  
"Two or three grand? That's not too bad." Boromir said thoughtfully.  
  
"Not too bad? I could pay my rent for six months with that money and in two months move out of the hole!" Merry still disgusted replied.  
  
"I have to talk with Aragorn where is he?" Boromir fetched his jacket and fixed himself up.  
  
"Usual place."  
  
"Space Invaders."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Err…Tadaa? Reviews please? Tell me what you think. It wasn't meant to be all comedy. It's kind of like general story mixed with humour. Its gonna get funnier as I go along though. Depends on your attitude towards humour though. I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading. xxxx  
  
In case you didn't understand any of the words…  
  
Dictionary:  
  
Ye=You  
  
Dole= Unemployed benefit. The money people get paid when they are jobless.  
  
Hole=crap place. Really bad.  
  
Poofter=if you hadn't guessed means a gay man. No offence to anyone. I have in no way anything against gay men or homosexuality.  
  
Page 3 girls= naked women in daily newspapers which are usually found on page three. They only wear panties or cover their shaven area with a sheet or something.  
  
Pub=bar  
  
Job Club=where jobless people go in looking for jobs at a job centre.  
  
Space Invaders=in case you don't know, (shocked) it's a classic game where you are covered by four little houses and little lines of aliens come down upon you and you have to shoot them. It's a classic people! I have it on my computer! 


	2. Man Flesh, Gnomes And Safeways

1 Please review! I am going to continue this but I would like a bit of encouragement. xxxx Disclaimer as before.  
  
2 The Full Monty: Chapter 2 "Man Flesh, Gnomes and Safeways".  
  
"Two or three grand?!!" the voice shrieked throughout the bar and a small fountain of Budweiser sprayed across the floor. "You have got to be takin' the piss!"  
  
"Its true! And I wouldn't be bloody surprised either!" Boromir, slapping his hand to his face and thumping the small, round table as he leaned on his elbow.  
  
"Who told you?"  
  
"Merry did."  
  
"You trust Merry?"  
  
"Mmmpf…"  
  
Aragorn looked sceptical. Boromir winced in his seat. His black haired friend sat gazing around him, every so often eyeing Boromir then the pint beside him.  
  
"You're not having my pint." The cringing man grunted.  
  
A loud tut emitted from Aragorn's pouting lips. He then slumped back, arms folded and sighed though his nose.  
  
"I suppose a couple of grand a gig makes sense, bearing in mind how many are going to see them." Aragorn said ponderingly. He sighed again. "Considering that they are fitter, sexier, more entertaining than what the women sees about here."  
  
Boromir looked up and frowned crossly, glaring straight into his mate's brown eyes.  
  
"What ye trying to say?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Aragorn said puzzled.  
  
"You slagging me off? You slagging all the men in the bleedin' area off you are!" He erupted. He then pushed his stool back with a loud squeak and stood up, breathing heavily through his nose.  
  
Aragorn, unfazed by Boromir going red with anger and towering (partly swaying) above him simply replied, "Well they are."  
  
"Suppose." His friend speedily sat down again and returned to leaning on his elbow a la depressed looking.  
  
"Don't get depressed, son." Aragorn attempted to comfort. "It's only the truth. I know it, you know it, and everyone knows it."  
  
"I've got just one thing to say to you." Boromir said while taking a mad interest in the design of the bar table.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Bastard."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sam sat nervously in front of the panel, face bright pink, his forehead shining with sweat, and unfortunately for him the seat of his trousers was making a very embarrassing squeaking noise every time he fidgeted. The panel in front of him scantily took notes each time they asked him questions which made him fidget. Resulting in the horrible squeaking noise trying to answer the question instead of his own trembling voice.  
  
"So Mr Gamgee," an elderly man looked at him over his spectacles. "Have you worked with computers before?"  
  
"Oh yes! While I was at the job club I was always on it! I've learnt quite a big bit about…." He started enthusiastic then stopped and stared at the massive window behind the group. What the hell was that? It looked like gnomes…HIS gnomes.  
  
"Mr Gamgee?" a middle aged woman asked.  
  
"Sorry.." Sam stuttered. "As I was saying….I…"  
  
CRASH. One of the gnomes was shattered by its partner. It fell to yellow, red and orange pieces around the windowsill and the other gnome nodded up and down as if it was laughing. A hand appeared then waved at a gob smacked Mr Gamgee. The other gnome bashed into it and the naked hand promptly replied with an alone, stiffened middle finger.  
  
"BASTARDS!" Sam shouted enraged.  
  
The judges sat open mouthed. The leader's glasses fell to the floor and cracked, a fly flew into the middle aged woman's mouth, and the other two sat and acted disgusted.  
  
"I'm sorry Mr Gamgee but if you are going to throw abuse you might as well leave. Good day to you!" They together announced to him.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Sam…"  
  
"Fuck off."  
  
"Sam…"  
  
"Get lost."  
  
"Sam…"  
  
"Piss off.."  
  
This carried on for a while as Sam, walking at 70 miles per hour followed by Aragorn and a limping Boromir (Aragorn had kicked him in the nuts for hurting his hand.) charged though a busy market street. It began to rain but they continued to push through crowds and dodge incoming fists and kicks from an extremely annoyed garden fanatic.  
  
"Just how many differentiations of go away do you have in that brain of yours Sam?!" Boromir groaned as all three arrived at the job centre.  
  
Sam didn't answer. He stormed past the secretary at the front desk and through all the swinging doors and, unfortunately for Aragorn, hit him in the face quite a number of times as they continued to pursue.  
  
The green entrance door, again, was thrust open in a rage which made Legolas yelp in surprise. Pippin and Merry jumped and stared at Sam approaching the sofa while Frodo sipped on his own version of tea. Aragorn entered with a loud THWACK hammering him in the centre of his forehead. He staggered in gibbering and was suddenly bumped into by Boromir who collapsed on top of him, bruised testicles and all, and they were both in a heap on the floor.  
  
"Oh, isn't this just adorable?" Legolas kneeled down to their levels and tickled Aragorn's chin. He giggled and continued to move his hand round and twiddle his hair round his pale finger.  
  
"Gerroff him, poofter!" Boromir yelled, a hint of fear in his voice.  
  
"Well, there's no need to get bitchy. I wouldn't touch you even if you were one of the Chippendales." Legolas snapped and walked out the green door, muttering as he always did.  
  
"Get off me ye twat," Aragorn grumbled.  
  
Both men got up and approached Sam but were soon driven away by the threat of a hard briefcase to the head and a kick to their precious. Walking over dejectedly to the table where they had gathered with Frodo earlier, Aragorn stared at his doodle bikini he had created prior to his gnome puppet show with Boromir resulting in the exploration of his fist to Boromir's balls while his injured friend sat and tried to comfort himself.  
  
"How are we going to get to talk to Sam?" Aragorn asked, ignoring Boromir's discomfort.  
  
"Easy." Was his reply. "We don't."  
  
"But if we are going to do this thing we need to know how to dance!" Aragorn said in a low murmur.  
  
"Why should we do it anyway?" Boromir frowned. "We will just get laughed at."  
  
"For the money!"  
  
"You're prepared to strip off in front of people you know for money? The walk out your door the next day and have your life made hell?! Who says they're gonna pay us?"  
  
"If I don't get this money Arwen will leave me. She's fed up as it is. She needs better so I'm going to make myself better." Aragorn spoke sadly and desperate.  
  
Boromir sat and looked sympathetic at his buddy. He was in the same situation too. No doubt their loved ones would get sick of the jobless bums they were.  
  
"We charge £5 entry fee." Aragorn said quietly.  
  
Boromir stared in disbelief. Talk about a change of emotions. Saddened to businessman in less than a minute. He shuffled in his chair then winced again.  
  
"If 50 people come then we only get £250 between us. Which we have to split." He grunted.  
  
"Fine we charge £10."  
  
"That's a bit better…"  
  
"If we charge anymore no one will come." Aragorn replied with a tone which said "I've worked this out listen to me."  
  
"Ok, ok," Boromir agreed. "But I think I need a splint."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sam seethed at the small kitchen area of the pale blue room. How could they? They had totally screwed up his chance. He could have got away with everything without telling Rose. Now he would have to because of them fuckwits. She would hate him. Leave him. Spread nasty rumours….  
  
"Fancy a cuppa Sam?" a small delicate voice asked.  
  
There he was. That small brown haired, blue eyed, curls hanging over his eyes wonder.  
  
"Yes thanks." Sam smiled at him.  
  
Frodo walked over to the pale silver sink and filled the small green kettle. He then attached it to its base and leant against the kitchen bench facing his upset friend.  
  
"It didn't go too well, did it?" He asked smiling sweetly.  
  
"No." The gardener woefully replied. "My marriage and life depended on me getting that job."  
  
"Don't worry." Frodo outstretched his arm and planted a small hand on his shoulder. "Everything will be ok. You'll see."  
  
Sam looked up and smiled. Frodo really was his best friend.  
  
"Thank you Frodo. I appreciate it." He smiled back.  
  
"Any time."  
  
A small click was heard as the kettle stopped boiling and Frodo poured the steaming water into a shiny silver teapot and set it on the hob. Growling came from it as he added a tea bag and waited until it was ready. Before Frodo could comfort his friend anymore a loud voice boomed over,  
  
"OI! Pooper scooper! Chocolate biscuits with our tea. Ta very much."  
  
Frodo's forehead collapsed into a wrinkled scowl and he snapped back,  
  
"Get off your ass and do it yourself Boromir! I'm not your bloody slave."  
  
He hmpfed then turned his attention to his sad companion but yet again the voice broke in.  
  
"Ye wouldn't ask Sam if he would teach us how to dance would ye?"  
  
Frodo turned with his face crumpled up in laughter. He giggled and looked at the two men sitting not so far away from him.  
  
"Wh-haha-wh-hahhaha-ottttt?" He said between fits of laughter.  
  
"Ye heard what I said, dumbass. Just ask him would you?" Boromir blushed scarlet then turned back to Aragorn.  
  
"S-S-am," Frodo stuttered, still killing himself with laughter.  
  
"Why the hell do they want to know how to dance?" Sam interrupted.  
  
At this point Aragorn had risen from his chair and was walking fearfully across to a now confused and pissed off Sam.  
  
"We, I mean Boromir and I are err…" He blushed and moved closer to Sam so that he could whisper in his ear but on the way he tripped over his own feet and landed with a thud, biting his tongue.  
  
"Shut," Aragorn said with a numb tongue.  
  
"You're going to have to be more graceful than that on your feet if you want to know how to dance." Sam said, while he and Frodo grinned and smirked at each other.  
  
Merry and Pippin for the duration of the time Sam and company had entered had been playing cards ignoring everyone and everything in their intense game.  
  
"SNAP!!!!!! BLOODY SNAP!!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!!" Pippin erupted lifting his knees while he jumped, knocking the small coffee table flying and covering Merry in cards.  
  
"I BEAT YE!! I BEAT YE!!!" He continued to scream. Then lifting his jumper and covering his head, he ran about the room with his arms spread out like wings. Merry sat sickened at his friend's victory celebration and held his head in his hands. Pippin, now screaming "YEEHAW!" as high as a choir boy and jumping up and down on the sofa showed no sign of giving up, shutting up and giving Merry's head some peace.  
  
"Pippin, for God's sake would ye sit down." Merry grumbled. "You're givin' me a sore head ye dickhead."  
  
Pippin stopped mid jump and took his jumper off his head. He pouted at Merry and dropped his hands to his sides with little effort.  
  
"You're just a sore loser." He whinged at him.  
  
"No I'm not." Merry grumbled again.  
  
"Well then let me celebrate!" He started to jump again on the sofa, then leaping over it like a frog he bounded over to the rest of the group debating Aragorn and Boromir's career choice.  
  
"Oh-hahahahahaha-Oh my-hahahahahahahaha-Gawd!!!" Sam collapsed against the sink laughing.  
  
"Will you help us or not?" Aragorn pleaded.  
  
"Ok," Sam said honestly. "I will help you."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Britney Spears wailed over the shop speakers "Im So Oh Oh Oh Oh Overprotected." Legolas poked through the cosmetics muttering to himself.  
  
"Oh she is so not overprotected….dirty little non virgin…" He mumbled while sniffing on a deodorant.  
  
"Oooh. Aqua…" He popped it in the basket and continued to walk throughout Safeway. He currently was in the toiletries section after visiting the butchers, fruit and vegetables and all the others. His aqua marine basket was full of variety. Lettuce, tomatoes, pita bread, sausages, bacon, oranges, apples, tea bags, coffee, corn flakes, cheese, orange juice, chocolate digestives, hobnobs, and now deodorant joined the party. He swiftly picked out soap, toothpaste, and a new toothbrush then strutted into the perfume and make up section.  
  
"Oooh! They have new perfumes…I have to go look." He squeaked while an elderly woman looked at him strangely out of the corner of her eye.  
  
The perfumes were stacked on a silver shelf just below the hair dyes which was quite convenient for the young blond. While squirting a mild purple coloured perfume on his wrist he felt a presence behind him. He tried to continue as normally as possible, which was quite hard considering everyone of the opposite sex was giving him dirty looks as he was in the perfume aisle trying on perfumes, until two firm hands gripped his waste and pulled him against the body. He then saw out of the corner of his eye that there was someone with them. A husky voice then whispered in his ear,  
  
"So Legolas…Do you have any man flesh between your trousers or not?"  
  
Legolas squawked and pushed the intruder back using his back side as a ram. He spun round on one heel to find a sweet smelling Aragorn and cracked glass about him. Boromir was holding his nose and trying to help him up.  
  
"You pervert! You were touching me!" Legolas in his high pitched voice squawked again. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!!"  
  
"With what? Bitch slaps?" Boromir still holding his nose poked a traumatised Legolas who yelped again, then slapped Boromir on his thigh. Boromir retreated behind Aragorn and continued to help him up.  
  
"You wish Legolas," Aragorn replied.  
  
Legolas stared one hand on his hips the other covering his mouth. Light shone through the multicoloured perfume bottles giving him a glowing background.  
  
"So answer my question." Aragorn said huffing and puffing as he rose.  
  
"You got anything between your waistline and your tight arse jeans or not?"  
  
Well that's it for another chapter! I hope you liked it…Sorry if it wasn't funny or as funny as the one before. Please review I'll b e very thankful! Xxxx Oh and by the way, Safeway is a supermarket, Aragorn and Boromir were controlling the gnomes and Aragorn was the gnome who was smashed and Boromir the evil laughing one.  
  
Oh and again thanx for reading and please review. 


	3. Two Step, Birth Control.

As before I own nothing that I mention here. Please review! And thank you loads to everyone who did! Thank you so much! Sorry for the wait Coolio girl.  
  
1 Chapter 3:Two Step, Birth Control  
  
It was 9am in the morning and a very rough looking Legolas arose from his bed and was in the kitchen preparing his daily dosage of a boiled egg and toast soldiers. His hair stuck out like straw, his eyes like two lumps of coal protruding out of his head, his pale green towel dressing gown wrapped around his slim body and a pair of black socks on his feet. He cut his toast into thick strips and lay them out on a saucer, cut the head off his boiled egg and put it, in its egg cup, and placed it on top of a plate. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Legolas gasped in shock then scuttled across his flat to the mirror in his bedroom. Five minutes later his eyes were shining, his hair perfectly shaped, black socks and dressing gown replaced by tracksuit bottoms and an old t-shirt. He opened the door and immediately met the face of…  
  
"Aragorn." He spoke and cocked his head to the side surveying the state he was in.  
  
Aragorn stood looking severely hung over. Shoulders hunched, bloodshot eyes, a forest of stubble on his chin. He kept sighing and holding his head as if in pain and swaying side to side and back and forward towards Legolas.  
  
"Legolush," He rasped with a voice that sounded as if his throat was like sandpaper and his breath reeked of alcohol. Legolas tutted at him and stepped backward as if to invite him in. Aragorn accepted and stumbled over his blonde mate in the process.  
  
"Oi, watch it. Its not like I want you in my house." Legolas snapped then sat back down at his breakfast of toast strips and egg.  
  
"Thish ish no hush! Thish ish tiny next to my hush!" Aragorn laughed and threw himself over the kitchen sink, his head facing downwards.  
  
"You vomit in my sink, you clean it up."  
  
Aragorn leaned against the sink instead and turned round to face him. He then sat down opposite Legolas and started to yap at him.  
  
"At leash I don't put toast soldiers into ranks." He started.  
  
"I don't do that!" Legolas sounded appalled.  
  
"Ok, so you won't mind if I do thush then." He poked at one of the toast soldiers with his finger only almost touching.  
  
"Stop it! You'll upset the colonel." Legolas hugged his saucer towards him and kept one arm as a wall covering it.  
  
Aragorn smirked then thumped his head on the table.  
  
"My head hursh," he grumbled like a selfish toddler.  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow then dipped his colonel in the egg in front of him. It dribbled over his chin so he had to lean forward to stop it running off onto his tracksuit bottoms.  
  
"What exactly did you do last night?" he asked while battling with his waterfall of runny egg.  
  
"I can't remember…Boromeer left me and I found my way here." Aragorn groaned.  
  
"We have our first rehearsal today and you are hung over? Wonderful. Lets have whiskey to calm our nerves on the night and walk on the stage pissed out of our heads and strip to Im A Little Tea Pot." Legolas, not amused, commented still relentlessly battling with the yellow flow of egg yolk.  
  
"Aragorn…..?" He murmured again. "SWEET JESUS NO!!!!!"  
  
There was a loud "YRCH" and a tall black human danced over to the silver sink and a spray of brown, yellow and was that green? Fell into it changing its colour. Legolas stared in horror then covered his mouth in disgust as Aragorn spun round with dribble running down his chin.  
  
"Legolush…." He started then threw up again projecting it over Legolas.  
  
All that was heard was a high pitched scream echoing throughout the block of flats.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
It then turned to sobbing and screaming.  
  
"YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET VOMIT OUT OF LONG HAIR LIKE THIS?! I WILL SMELL WORSE THAN BOROMIR! OH MUMMY! HELP!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The afternoon, again, was wet and dreary as usual outside, this time, an abandoned old warehouse on the far side of town. It was mostly empty and the only person who saw it was the security guard, a friend of Sam's, who had kindly let him and his group use it as they please. Fortunately, there was a video and TV in the very far side of the huge former factory which now had a makeshift chair in front of it holding a tanned, brown haired, mass watching "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider." Merry and Pippin had found an old football and were having a rematch after Merry's dishonourable defeat the previous day at snap. Meanwhile, Frodo was sitting watching them and looking at an out of date catalogue from the pile that had been left in the warehouse by half awake postmen at 7am in the morning.  
  
Sam walked across the centre floor with a stereo under one arm and a bag of cd's under the other. He was unnoticed by the group as usual and busied himself by getting them all into shape.  
  
"Boromir, stop lusting over Angelina Jolie and get ready would you?" Sam stood and stared at him before turning his attention to Frodo, Merry and Pippin.  
  
"But its coming to the part where we get close ups!" Boromir whinged.  
  
"I don't care if she walked through that door naked and started wiggling about in front me. Now get off your lazy back side and get over here now!" He snapped at Boromir with an icy look, prompting him to get up, switch the TV off, put his DIY seat away but not stop his groaning and muttering.  
  
Pippin, Frodo and Merry stopped what they were doing and rushed over to Sam all smiles and enthusiasm much to the leaders delight. Sam told them to stay put while he went out another door with his stereo and cd's.  
  
"Teacher's pets," Boromir glared at them.  
  
The three friends all stood in fake shock and gasps.  
  
"At least I'm not a pervert," Frodo huffed.  
  
"I'm not lazy." Said Pippin with his arms folded.  
  
"No. You bug the hell outta everyone." Boromir grunted.  
  
"Shut the hell up!"  
  
"And I'm not a sadist with a shit sense of humour." Merry turned away from Boromir joining the others who had done the same.  
  
Just at that moment, the main entrance door was opened and an ashamed looking Aragorn, complete with hands in pockets, head down, along with Legolas who was keeping a distance form him, extremely disgusted and pissy looking entered. Both men made their way to the others where they separated even further apart: Legolas with the three "teacher's pets" according to the Angelina Jolie fan, and Aragorn beside Boromir.  
  
"Shit! What is that smell?" Boromir fanned the air in front of his nose with his hand.  
  
Legolas hmpfed and walked over to the abandoned pile of catalogues while Aragorn grumbled, still with the "naughty child hands in pocket head bowed" look.  
  
"He insisted on putting two different fragrances of air freshener on, pine and strawberry bliss I think, five versions of deodorant and scented hair wax/hairspray." Aragorn mumbled to the rest of his mates.  
  
"Why?" Merry asked.  
  
"Is he having bladder problems?" Pippin shouted. "Me dad has that. His doctor is good. I could refer him to Legolas if you want."  
  
"No. Neither." Aragorn said quietly.  
  
"Has he got the runs?" Frodo piped up still on the thought of Pippin's suggestion.  
  
"No." Aragorn slurred again.  
  
"What the f…" Boromir in full swing of pissed off mode began.  
  
"I vomited in his sink then all over him!" Aragorn yelled then went scarlet and back to "Naughty…etc" look.  
  
A chorus of "Ewwww…", "Yuck" and "Dumb poofter served him right!" (Noticeably only chorused from Boromir)" spun around poor Aragorn's ears beneath his hang over hair.  
  
"Ok! Come on people! Lets get moving!" Sam shouted as he entered the room wearing bright red trainers under his suit trousers accompanied with tie and shirt. Music began to pump out of nowhere, shocking everyone into movement. The activity only lasted roughly two seconds disappointing their dance coach extremely. His pupils took defensive stances, stood their ground and stared at Sam. He sighed then decided to move onto something else.  
  
"Fine then. Lets see what we look like." The teacher pointed at their clothes hinting to strip.  
  
The group stared in disbelief and shock.  
  
"You have got to be joking?" Frodo said, choking in the process.  
  
"Your gonna have to do it on the night." Sam replied monotonously.  
  
The music continued to blare out of the invisible speakers and Legolas was on the centre floor spinning, twirling, and dancing to himself. The others continued to squabble until they noticed him floating around the room.  
  
"Oh that is lovely Legolas!" Sam clapped his hands together and brought them up to his chin, eyes glazed with delight.  
  
"I'm not stripping in front of him!!" Boromir grunted. "Who knows what he is thinking!"  
  
Aragorn mumbled quietly in agreement and the hobbits shuffled their feet.  
  
Suddenly, a quite overweight woman appeared through the door storming over to them and very mad looking.  
  
"Arwen!" Aragorn gasped.  
  
Arwen stood and stared at her husband frigidly and then at Boromir. He cringed and hid behind the badly behaved husband.  
  
"Where were you last night?" She bellowed. "Leaving me alone with the two kids. Alone in front of the TV. Alone at 2am in the morning waiting on you to come home! Have you no respect for me? Do you even bloody care?!"  
  
"Arwen….Now's not the time to discuss this love…" Aragorn quivered nervously.  
  
"OK. I'll wait for you." She smiled sadistically.  
  
"Arwen why don't you and Legolas go into the back room and wait hmm?" Sam grinned at her in fake happiness. "There's coffee and doughnuts." He added, noticing her weight.  
  
The young blonde and heavy weight mad housewife went away mostly to the groups pleasure. They then continued to try and learn a decent dance routine. Facing the perils of falling on their arses, tripping and not spinning their hips.  
  
"Boromir would you move!! You're like a statue! Two step….One, two, three, one…."  
  
"I'm bloody trying! Frodo is in me way!"  
  
"Don't blame me just because your talent less!"  
  
"My fist has talent in the plastic surgery department!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Arwen sat on a large beanbag flicking through Sam's collection of cd's. "Hot Chocolate: The Greatest Hits", "The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And various other soundtracks and compilations. Unexpectedly, a sharp pain hit her abdomen area and she wet herself.  
  
"Legolas! Get your ass in here NOW!!!!" She screamed.  
  
"There's no need to shout I'm sitting beside you." He whimpered.  
  
"My waters have broken!"  
  
"Oh gross! You wet yourself? Get some bladder control woman!" He scrunched up his nose and backed off.  
  
Arwen thrust a clenched fist forward and grasped Legolas's throat and brought him towards her. Then in a demonic, breathless voice she hissed at him,  
  
"I'm giving birth you dick! Do something!"  
  
Legolas squealed. He was clueless. He didn't know how to deliver pizza yet alone babies. He was never going to be in this situation in his lifetime or so he thought until now. Oh sweet bliss. First whiskey- flavoured vomit now mucus and blood. Sob. Hours passed and the group outside were oblivious to Arwen's screams and Legolas's sobs.  
  
"Hold my hand….! HOLD MY HAND!!!!!" Arwen yelled and shattered the bones in her assistants hand. "It's coming! It's coming! Check is the head coming out?!"  
  
"You're asking the wrong guy!"  
  
"Don't patronise me!"  
  
Legolas gulped and lifted her maternity dress. There it was. A sphere circle thing with a head of black hair.  
  
"Is it there?!" Arwen roared. "IS IT THERE?!!!"  
  
"Its there, its there!" A blubber was her answer.  
  
"Ease it out." The deliverer tried to do her breathing exercises. Her new unqualified nurse sniffed in the form of a squeak and looked at her.  
  
"Say what?"  
  
"EASE IT OUT FOR FUCK SAKE!"  
  
"All my lube is at home!"  
  
"PUT YOUR HAND TO ITS HEAD AND GENTLY PULL!"  
  
He did so and soon there was a little cry from the new born. Arwen told him what to do and in no time the baby was in her arms, gently sucking milk from her breast. Shortly after the placenta was delivered and just as it came out the trainee dancers entered along with their coach to find an extremely weird sight. Arwen was feeding her new born baby while Legolas was sitting white as a sheet staring with his head to the side, mouth open and a mass of the afterbirth and the blood on his knees.  
  
"I thought she was just a fat bitch! Not pregnant!" Boromir cried and came in closer to inspect the scene. Merry ran off to phone an ambulance while Frodo covered his mouth and felt sick at the gunk on fly catcher mouth Legolas. Aragorn sat beside Arwen and cooed over the baby until she realized who it was and gave him a firm left hook to his face.  
  
"Thank you, Legolas." Arwen smiled sincerely at him while being took away on an emergency bed. Frodo and Sam stood beneath his armpits supporting him as he was still open mouthed and sick looking. The ambulance drove away, leaving Aragorn with a bloody nose and an ice pack for comfort. Pippin, Merry, Boromir and he looked at the motionless gob smacked Legolas. Boromir approached carefully and looked him in the eye.  
  
"Are you ok?" He asked suspiciously.  
  
"M-M-Mucus……V-V-Vomit……B-B-Blood…" Leggy gibbered, his mouth shaking like a leaf in the wind. Boromir spun round, coming to his own conclusion.  
  
"He's fine."  
  
Sorry for the wait everyone! I've been renewing my addiction to Tekken 3 on the playstation. Again, thank you for the reviews and if there's anything you would like put into the story just say and I'll consider putting it in. Thanx for reading. Please review xxx. 


	4. Corruption, Filth And Nudity

Hello everyone. Yeah I know long wait and whatever…So I might as well continue it as no one replied to my question but I will or might quit after this so tell me what you think. Please review please. It will be very much appreciated.

_Chapter 4:- Corruption, Filth and Nudity._

            The sun shone brightly through the paisley curtains which were hanging haphazardly over a beaten pine curtain rail. It crept across the brown floor to a double bed in the middle of the room which held too very still bodies, very much asleep. Littered on the floor were clothes and bag was in a dark corner while a desk straight in front of the bed held stacks of sheets, all blank, which the owner liked to call "work". One of the bodies in the bed shuffled and swerved to face the other occupant. The alarm clock on the work table then screamed out half hearted beeps to wake the owner up.

"Wakey wakey sleepy head," the half-awake body poked the other, then opened his mouth and yawned, blowing air over the corpse.

"Ugh. You stink and so does your breath. Do you ever wash you pig?" A voice squeaked from under the covers.

"Oh shut up."

"No you shut up."

"Don't start with me Legolas. You can't win." The other said while the attacker tutted.

"I don't expect to win. How can I win when the whiff you give off would  kill everyone within a 50 mile radius? Can you not sleep still either at night? You shuffle about more than a 15 year old boy alone in his room under his bedclothes." Legolas snapped back, propping himself up against the bed head. 

"I do not stink." Legolas's opponent huffed.

"Faramir is a shithead." Legolas sat and mumbled to himself. "Has quite a ring to it too…"

"Shut it Legolas unless you want your reputation ruined." Faramir clenched his fists and bit his lip.

"I have a reputation?" Was his confused answer.

"You don't want your, ahem, bed hair situation to get public do you?" Faramir smirked.

"Everyone gets bed hair in the mornings…"

"You cast off more hair than a dog does as well as looking like one."

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!" Leggy erupted.

"Flat you mean.."

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          

As always the job centre was quiet, peaceful and wet from the rain outside which always seemed to be falling and never seemed to stop. The impending judgement day loomed above Aragorn's soggy haired head. He slouched over a table, while the steam off his tea condensed on his face. Pippin merrily banged every saucepan available in the kitchen so that an out of tune din echoed throughout the room. Merry sat, engrossed in his newspaper while Sam and Frodo arrived, wet as always, through the door. Boromir had left to go to the toilet, although that was quite a while ago and Aragorn was beginning to think that he had got lost or stuck. Either that or he had some problem Aragorn did not want to think about at all.

"Right," Sam announced, while stepping up onto the coffee table in front of Merry.

No one noticed or moved.

"Since our performance is this Saturday then I thought we could benefit from a few bonding exercises and quality time together." Sam continued to speak to the room of the dead. Just at that moment, Boromir had crawled out of the toilet and rejoined the zombies.

"Bondage?" he grunted and raised an eyebrow at Sam.

The hobbit in question tutted and replied "Bonding exercises, working as a team. Getting to know each other."

"I'm not into that Sam. Go find Legolas if you want that kind of thing. He's all into that "getting to know men" thingy." Boromir sat down next to Aragorn, who's face was now dripping from the steam off his tea and sat in a world of his own until Boromir tapped him on the elbow with his two fingers back to planet Earth.

A bang startled all the lethargic occupants of the room and they all stared around them, confused, as Legolas strutted towards them. His face looked as if a wasp had stung him in his mouth and he swiftly sat down beside Aragorn and Boromir and banged his folded arms loudly onto the table.

"How would you like to go camping everyone?" Sam chirped, trying to sound cheerful.

Aragorn's forehead hit his mug, splashing tea over the table, burning Boromir's fingers. Legolas's face turned a sudden shade of white, Pippin stopped "drumming" and Merry's head raised from his reading.

"I do not leave my house without my moisturiser.  I do not associate with bugs, its bad enough I had to draw the line at Boromir." Legolas snapped. "Never!"

Pippin laughed and muttered "Aye" through his laughter. Merry just grunted. Boromir glared at Legolas and growled. Aragorn had seemed to slip into a tea coma. 

"Its settled then. I'll supply the rucksacks and everything you guys meet me here at 7pm. Tonight." Sam said menacingly. The room groaned and someone was heard to mutter "He can kiss my ass before I leave without my maybelline." 

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          

Time passed on and on as the friends clambered on and on. Backpacks strapped to their backs, coats on, some carrying lamps, others nothing. The sky was grey, yet another burst of rain waiting to downpour upon them again. Stones littered the pathway and to make things worse it was cold. VERY cold.

"My feet hurt. I'm cold and I want to go home." Legolas whinged while stopping again for the sixth time.

"For Christ's sake, we haven't even reached the bus stop in town yet and already you're whinging!" Sam yapped angrily.

"He's right. His feet do hurt, and so do mine." Pippin squeaked beneath his heavy load.

"Can we please get to the bus station?!" Sam snarled.

And so the journey continued. Through treacherous bus stops and pavements until they reached the National Trust protected Silverwood and proceeded to trek through it until nightfall…

"Oh my frickin' God! What the fuck is that?!!" A voice echoed though the dark as an owl hooted in the background. 

"Legolas get off me!" Aragorn shouted. 

"What?"

"Your hands are trying to amputate my shoulder!"

"Sorry.."

"I'm sure…"

"But what is it though?!" Legolas continued to whimper like a seven year old.

"Does it matter?" Aragorn grimaced.

"Its something bad isn't it? That's why you're not telling me. You think a petty little guy like me can't take the truth! Well I have got news for you mister! I CAN.  You hear that? I can! I'm not the wimpy, typical blond haired, whinging…"

"Its an owl, Legolas." Aragorn interrupted.

"What the frig is an owl?!" Legolas shrieked. "I promised myself I wouldn't die before my mummy! I'm sorry mummy…" Legolas continued to wail on about how he had promised his mother he wouldn't do anything stupid, get a good job, but had pointed out that he couldn't have kids because he didn't have ovaries and various other things. Until Aragorn pointed to the tree containing the monstrosity which was called a "friggin' owl" and explained that it was harmless to everyone apart from its dinner. Which then prompted Legolas to go to pieces again about how they were its dinner and that they were going to die for a second time that night. Aragorn then had to lie to his hysterical friend that owls were "vegetarians", triggering Legolas to offer the owl a lettuce leaf from his salad sandwiches for about twenty minutes.

Finally, they walked on, the killer owl still hooting in the background, the stars sparkling in the sky, the moon glowing, a fox was barking…

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!" Legolas squawked again. He flung his arms around Aragorn and clung to him for a second time.

"What now?!"

"My foots stuck! Make it stop! Make it stop!" He sobbed.

"I would but I would like to know where is the rest of the group?"

"I'm gonna die. Oh mummy…"

"…"

              *        *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          

Meanwhile, Aragorn and Legolas's comrades had journeyed on, oblivious to their two missing "happy campers". They all found a clearing and started to camp for the night and after an hour of cursing, hammer and foot injuries and a number of collapsed tents later, they all settled around a lamp and fire eating baked beans. Although for Frodo, it was unusually quiet.

"Where are Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir?" he quipped quietly to the others.

They all looked blank while the deep colours of the fire reflected on their faces.

Pippin played with his beans, scooping them onto a spoon then letting them fall back down into the tin, Merry pursed his lips and looked in every direction apart from Frodo's and Sam sat and talked inwardly to himself.

"I don't know." Merry said with tension in his voice.

"Have no clue…" Sam spoke his mind.

"Legolas stopped squealing like a girl about an hour ago so he must be dead now. Poor Aragorn is with him.  Boromir went to the toilet and hasn't came back yet." Pippin piped up grinning at his baked bean "Leaning Tower of Pisa".

"Boromir has a problem with that lately…" Frodo began but stopped midway.

Once again, the whole group looked blank apart from Pippin who sustained to be amused by his D-I-Y baked bean tower.

"We can't look for them now,"  Sam started. "Its too dark and we are all tired. We will look for them in the morning.  Night everyone. Remember, up early."

Everyone proceeded to go to bed and at the other end of the woods…..

                        *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

Aragorn struggled with the tent. It just refused to be opened put up and provide accommodation for him and the now very shaking Legolas. After 15 minutes of lone war with the rebellious fiend of a tent, he tended to the fire when suddenly Legolas let out an absent-minded yelp. He turned to find his friend pointed with an unsteady finger at a bush.

"What is it Legolas?" He asked worriedly.

"T…T…T…"  Leggy stuttered.

"Tea?  You want some tea?" Aragorn reached for the teabags.

"Th…Th…Th…Th.." He continued to stutter and point.

"What the hell?" Aragorn got frustrated and confused at the same time.

"Thing! Ugly thing! In b-b-b-bush!" Legolas finally cried out.

Out came the "ugly thing in the b-b-b-bush", which did not look like a very happy "ugly thing in the b-b-b-bush". It grunted and slammed its backpack to the ground scowling at the mentally disturbed blonde thing in the corner.

"Who is he calling an ugly thing in the bush?" Aragorn was relieved to learn that it was Boromir. " Stupid poofy ass pirate. Has some oxygen actually got to his brain or what?" Boromir became wary and a bit scared, even though he did not admit it.

"He's not used to the great outdoors." Aragorn answered while looked dejectedly at Legolas. This was cruel. He was indeed suffering and scared out of his mind.

"What made him that way? Did he step in shit or something?" Boromir still puzzled questioned everything.

"He didn't know what an owl was and thought it was going to eat us for dinner. He then got his foot caught in a tree stump. Then we met a badger, who Legolas thought was a "cute little doggie woggie" and tried to pet it. Hence me being, ahem bit." He uttered the last sentence with a hushed whisper.

"In the balls!" Legolas rocked back and forward.

"I thought you were scared shitless and disturbed?!" Aragorn shouted.

Legolas gibbered. Boromir and Aragorn then sat by the fire and continued to speak to each other with Boromir explaining how he got separated from the hobbits. He had left to go to the toilet and had left for quite a while. He then returned to find that they had gone.

"You have a problem," Aragorn said to his mate.

"What?" Boromir mumbled.

"You know," Aragorn nudged him, raised an eyebrow and cocked his head downwards.

Boromir grumbled and looked around him miserably. Changing the subject he nodded at Legolas and asked, "What we going to do with him?"

Aragorn shook his head helplessly. "Lets just get some sleep and see what happens…"

The night passed slowly and unusually quietly seeing as Legolas had become disturbed. Aragorn and Boromir had been paranoid about giving him a tent of his own but decided it was best. They woke up in the morning to find that Legolas was gone without food, water, or even his maybelline make up.

Boromir stood with his black haired companion open mouthed.

"Oh my God…"Aragorn uttered while they still stood together, mouths apt flycatchers. "He left without his damned maybelline!!!" He fell to his knees in front of the fire and began to beat the ground with his fists, one at a time and sometimes together.

" His face is naked! The horror, the frickin' horror! Think of the children! Will someone one think of the bloody children!!!"

What will become of the show? Did Pippin's Leaning Tower Of Pisa survive the night? Will Boromir's digestive problems clear up or get worse? And where is Legolas? Has he been killed by a herd of killer ducklings or have owls abducted him and have they had him for din dins? Find out in the next chapter! Which will come soon as I have time again for writing! Hurray? Pleaseeeeee review. And thank you to everyone who did and I'm sorry for the wait! Also watch out for a brand new fan fiction. Coming soon. * shock horror * 

XxXx

LuLu****


	5. Page 3 Idol, Toilet Water and The Final ...

Well, long time no see. Final chapter now. Thanks for reviews everyone J That goes to everyone who reads my Spirit:-For The Love Of Haldir fic too! Thankies! XxXx.

**The Full Monty**

**Chapter 5:- Page 3 Idol, Toilet Water, The Final Countdown**

**The job centre was desolate as usual, desolate in the way of brains. Boromir and Aragorn had become invisible for the past few days, Boromir not even seen in the pub with his usual 15 pints downed nor his mate glued to Space Invaders attacking anyone who blinked at his precious machine let alone touch it.**

**            Pippin sat at the coffee table, head perched on his folded arms staring intensely in front of him which meant he was boring his eyes into Legolas's purple top clad stomach with the slogan "Little Black Cat" glittering back at Pippin and a small black cat with irregular sized eyes having rice crispie bun crumbs spilt over it. The blonde elf sat opposite, nibbling on his sweet cakes and sipping lemon tea, every so often cringing because of a replaced tooth, knocked out by a fall after drinking a bit too much "lemonade" and falling 3 metres past his bed instead of into it Legolas winced at the thought. Frodo was comfortable enough sitting at the other end of the table reading The Sun or rather "Hagar The Horrible". Finally after an aching silence, Pippin sat up with his eyes wide open.**

**"Why IS my toilet water blue?" He piped up with an extremely confused look on his face. Legolas raised his head and Frodo hmpfed.**

**"Pardon?" Leggy asked just as confused.**

**"Why is my toilet water blue?" Pippin muttered an answer.**

**"Oh well that's simple." The elf grinned, feeling smart for once. "Because water IS blue."**

**Just at that point, Frodo stopped hmpfing and stared in disgust at Legolas. He then slowly spoke.**

**"No it isn't Legolas. Water is clear." He stopped reading "Hagar…." And reached for a cookie. Legolas's jaw dropped and a loud tut was emitted from his mouth.**

**"No it is not. It is blue!" He huffed and folded his arms, covering the kitty on his shirt.**

**"Water is clear Legolas, go and run the kitchen tap if you don't believe me." Frodo glared at him.**

**"Why is water always blue in pictures then? And in paintings? And on TV? And in cartoons? And in Pippin's toilet then?" The frustrated elf was enraged at Frodo for making him feel stupider than he already was.**

**"Because Pippin probably has a blue toilet air freshener in his toilet and it makes the water blue." The hobbit munched on his chocolate chip cookie and watched Legolas squirm. A loud "Ohhhhhh" hit his ears from the blonde sitting at the table. Frodo smiled in satisfaction, Pippin was confused no more and Legolas knew that water was not blue. But Leggy then posed another question…**

**"I didn't know the sea and stuff was a toilet. So who puts the big blue toilet  freshener in them then?"**

**Frodo sighed.**

**            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          ***

**"Hair? What about hair?"**

**It was D-DAY. The day Aragorn and Boromir had dreaded. Had nightmares about. Or at least Boromir did. Now Legolas was asking what way to wear their hair or quite rightfully, HIS hair tonight in the big show.**

**"You have no inhibitions what so ever, do you?" Boromir growled at him. The strain was starting to show. Legolas blinked at him, flicked his shimmering hair behind his ears and put one hand on his hip, all done with his now copyrighted pout.**

**"I don't know what your problem is," The elven prince glared, with a worrying shriek in his voice. "But I'm not going on that stage with my hair hanging round me like a bloody dog."**

**Boromir sat and puffed on his cigarette. "That's not too hard fairy prince, you already look like one. I've heard Yorkshire terriers with deeper voices than the one you 'ave. Bog off poofter." At this moment, Aragorn glided over, armed with two pints and The Sun under his arm. He gave Legolas a glance, quickly scanning for any sign of distress then sighed with the knowledge that he was going to whinge.**

**"My hair will be the best looking thing up there!" Leggy folded his arms and scrunched up his nose.**

**"Not to mention the longest," a deep voice boomed from behind. Aragorn and Boromir, who were deeply engrossed in the Page 3 Idol contest looked up in horror at Legolas' new found man voice.**

**"Bloody hell!" Boromir almost spilt his pint but unfortunately he saved it but not Aragorn from getting a cigarette end in the face.**

**"AHH YE BASTARD!" Legolas' man voice bellowed with laughter until a brown haired figure came out from behind and rested a hand on the prince's shoulder.**

**"Faramir," Boromir grumbled inaudibly. **

**"Hello brother." Faramir pretended to tip an invisible hat. Leggy giggled. Aragorn raised an eyebrow and caught on to the situation.**

**"Oh no. Oh no. Oh God no…."He held a hand to his aching forehead. Boromir sat unawares. The table was silent. "3…2….1…"**

**Blank.**

**"What are doing with my brother you poofy ass pirate!?" Boromir yelled in a rage, this time successfully spilling his pint, this time successfully over poor Aragorn.**

**Legolas took a step back and turned to walk out the door, his glittery blue jeans sparkling under the dim lights in the pub with Faramir trailing after him like a puppy. "See you tonight. I look forward to it." He smirked.**

**"He's with my brother."**

**Aragorn nodded.**

**"You knew?"**

**Aragorn shook his head.**

**"He's drugged him. The Mafia's threatenin' him…."**

**Aragorn sighed.**

**"THAT'S IT! HE'S HYPNOTISED HIM! THE BUGGER. I'LL KILL HIM AND STRING HIM UP WITH HIS PRECIOUS BLOODY HAIR!"**

**The former king of Gondor looked worriedly at his friend but gave up on sympathy and went straight on to shame, holding his head in his hands.**

**"WARGH!" Boromir erupted and thrust himself out the door. Forgetting about Aragorn, now sitting, his eyes huge and his face bright red all by his lonesome lonesome self, more so than the time Arwen found out she was having another kid….He shuddered. **

**Forgetting about his pint. **

**Forgetting Page 3 Idol.**

**            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          **

**"I swear to God Aragorn, he has the Mafia threatenin' him or summit." Boromir spoke with disgust while they sat in the Job Club, which was freezing cold at the minute due to Merry who, whilst playing football with Pippin had kicked the ball, against the pipe on the wall, crushed it so the water had to be turned off completely as well as the heating for safety reasons. He had conveniently disappeared.**

**The two best friends were sitting uncomfortably on the settee opposite the two star struck lovers or as Boromir called it…Aragorn thought was unmentionable. Baby talk wasn't swarming around the room but it was loud enough for both of the, ahem, 'macho men' to hear. They poked each other. They hugged each other. They kissed each other on the cheek. Boromir clenched his mouth shut. Boromir bit his tongue. Boromir said "Son of a…". **

**Aragorn sat quietly, feeling as if he was part of the UN Peacekeepers as this could turn into World War Three or a more likely conclusion could be a bloodbath courtesy of Boromir and a shotgun/his own hands. Both of them had sat here for two hours, without budging and without hardly speaking at all, unless various insults were counted as conversation. Until now.**

**Legolas giggled, casting his azure eyes in Boromir's direction every so often and now he had just burst into hysterical laughter, as if he had been told something no one else knew. Seizing the opportunity, he placed a very passionate kiss upon Faramir's lips without looking back, provoking Aragorn to leave the couch and to seek refuge in the kitchen with Pippin who was baking hot chocolate, how? Aragorn didn't know. He also didn't care.**

**Boromir lifted himself up and stood proud and tall. Glaring with a fiery rage behind his eyes at both of them.**

**"RIGHT. That's it. I've had enough of this bullshit now get out! You have a job you divvy twat so. OFF-YE-GO." Legolas sat in mock shock, his mouth hung over dramatically open and he positioned his eyes straight through the insulting man's face again. Slowly, he too rose up and stood face to face with his well known enemy, sneering at him.**

**"I know about you." He grinned, fluttering his eyelashes. Boromir gulped.**

**"Know what?"**

**"I know."**

**Boromir squeaked quietly. He wrung his hands and looked at his brother, then tried to keep his composure.**

**"There's knotting' the know." He swallowed loudly, swaying slightly.**

**Leggy raised a sceptical blonde eyebrow.**

**"Oh really? Then if I was to say.." He leaned forward and whispered in his ear.**

**There was a prolonged silence.**

**"Goodbye."**

**Boromir walked off and out of the Job Club door.**

**Again, Aragorn was left but not alone. He was in the company of Pippin.**

**"This is fun!" He laughed and clapped his hands together. Pippin grinned.**

**"Tis ain't it? I told ye, ye could bake it but nay nun of ye would listen the Pippin."**

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**I shall keep you in suspense for the big night ****J Please review! I haven't updated in ages because I have been writing Spirit…Thank you ****J.**


	6. Thou Sayeth Digestives

The Full Monty

Chapter 6 :- Thou Sayeth Digestives

Aragorn stood rigidly at the purple front door as Legolas scuttled over to the kitchen bench and up the stairs. Boromir scuffed his feet on the pine floor and ran around, investigating the situation like a kitten. Before the elf completely exited upstairs he brought a finger to point in their general direction and mouthing to them.

"Don't touch those there Haldir's." His red woollen jumper clad arm motioned towards the tube of chocolate digestives on the marble bar in the glowing cuisine. A giant thump was heard upstairs followed by a flurry of swear words. Legolas squeaked and bounded upwards to the heavens.

Boromir grunted and still continued to fidget around the small flat. Kicking the sheep skin rugs, nudging lamps before casting his eyes towards the digestives. Aragorn noticed his friend's movements and shuffled towards him, his leather jacket rustling from the rain they had just walked through to get here. It was the night of the show unfortunately for those concerned, Faramir and Legolas had broken up (much to Boromir's glee which is the only reason why he was in Legolas's 'house' in the first place) with much tears and tribulations. Well, not really.  Faramir had simply said an ill word against Shakira, claiming that she was a bit 'tartly' prompting Legolas to cross his hand across his jaw and shove him out the Job Club door into the bursting downpour outside. That was the end of that chapter and the relationship.

Aragorn and Boromir were now curiously situated in the gold kitchen with silver mosaic tiles scattered decoratively around the wall in a make shift border which Legolas had not bothered to finish. Turning their soaking wet soggy haired heads towards the bright orange notice board as well as noticing that Legolas had no sense of colour co ordination so far in his house they stared at the photos haphazardly placed on with fluorescent drawing pins.  One of Haldir in a sleeveless black top with rhinestones round the shoulders and the neck area with his hair in pigtails with a strange looking purple drink in his hand with Legolas sat beside him with a fluffy green boa wrapped around his neck and leather clothes ahoy, another showing Legolas standing with half his arm cut off due to a vicious attack by a black marker pen to the person beside him in the photo, probably Faramir, with SHAKIRA HATER wrote in 2 inch letters above him and finally a charming photo of Haldir yet again, close up and him grinning lovingly at the camera. 

Boromir grasped the digestives tube, squeezing the top off with his two thumbs while Aragorn amused himself reading the notice entitled 'Do Not Confuse Cat Ear Medicine With MILK", 'milk' being extremely emphasised with around 6 exclamation marks. His brunette mate nudged him in the ribs out of his trance, with a biscuit in his hand, smirking he raised it in front of Haldir's photo before pushing it upwards as if giving him the finger only in biscuit form then biting into it with a mass amount of happiness on his face. Aragorn laughed helping himself to a digestive, holding out his pinky and nibbling on it with proper etiquette. Boromir almost choked. 

They continued to mock, quickly getting rid of the biscuits about two at a time before they both grasped the final four, sharing them equally.  Blue eyes met brown and they began to snigger yet again thinking of what would be their next taking the piss bout.

Boromir suddenly placed both digestives, chocolate side facing Haldir's picture, over his eyes like a pair of glasses motioning them like window wipers and whining in an extremely high voice.

'PLEASSSSSSEEEEE DON'T EAT MY CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES. BOO HOO.." Aragorn almost wet him laughing yet again before he joined in stuffing both biscuits together and shoving them in his mouth and going 'MMPF MMPF' and rubbing his eyes. A tut was heard from behind them. 

Haldir stood in his pink shirt pyjamas, with customary Dalmatian puppy slippers, frowning and lip quivering. Legolas stood with his hand on his friend's shoulder looking like a bee had stung him in his mouth, his mascara eyes boring deep into Aragorn's who was in the purpose of choking for another time in shock. Boromir continued to cry as Aragorn collapsed against the bench holding his hand to his chest trying to breath  before falling to the floor struggling. His comrade unawares opened the chocolate wipers. A sheepish grin caused his face followed by a small giggle as he handed the biscuits to Haldir who grabbed them, crunched them into a fine powder and hurled it at Boromir's face. He then retreated up the stairs cursing again and blubbering. The former once great warrior kicked his former king who buckled afterwards raising himself upwards. Legolas still had the bee sting look.

'Fuck I feel awkward." The digestive glasses wearing man grunted averting his eyes. Aragorn massaged his throat. Leggy tutted and fixed his red woollen polo.

"Do you want me to do this bloody thing with you lot or not?" The rage pulling his hair back and a shriek coming through his normally squeaky voice. The duo nodded. "So far," He breathed.

"I have had to put up with HIM(Boromir), HIS brother, You!" He pointed at Aragorn. "Your wife giving birth on me and ruining my perfect Gap trousers with her rotten blood and other stuff I don't want to think about. Trekking through a forest which shouldn't even be allowed into because there are animals in there that could kill you. Aching feet. YOU again being sick on me. Torturing my toasty soldiers. Spilling your horrible pints over me. Blowing smoke in my hair. Shakira Haters.  Sexually and physically assaulting me in Safeways. And now TONIGHT I have to strip butt ass naked with you hideous bastards!" Aragorn and Boromir stood open mouthed and downright shocked and disgusted. 

"We did not sexually or physically assault you in Safeways! Blame your big ass for ramming it in 'im!" Boromir lit up a cigarette with the pressure as Aragorn nodded, looking even slightly tearful. "We don't need you anyway poofter! We been practicin'. We know what to do. Come on!" A finger indicated to head towards the door. Both of the men briefly exited. Boromir opened it again to slag off once more.

"Take your digestives and ram 'em up your..." Aragorn pulled him away before he could finish.

"Get out of my house!" Legolas sobbed just as distressed.

"Its a bloody flat!"

"Renovation! It has two floors. House. HOUSE."

The door slammed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The small petite pale knuckles rapped themselves across the splintered doorframe, a jagged spike dug into one of the crevices, prompting blood to appear and a hiss to escape Frodo's mouth.

"Ow!" 

A low, throaty growl was heard from inside the building. Frodo looked up from his small height nervously to the green entrance, fear running down his spine.

"Legolas? Is that you?" His voice stammered.

"Thou Sayeth!"

The tiny hobbit squeaked silently, edging backwards towards the steps before flooding down as 'Thou Sayeth! THOU SAYETH!' continued to screech from Legolas's habitat. Frodo leapt into the Ford Focus that was Sameth's before leaveth the sceneth of madness.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aragorn sipped on his boiling hot tea, cupping it in his hands whilst trying to keep his dark hair from dangling straight into the steaming brown mixture as Frodo whinged mercilessly about his encounter with Legolas earlier in the morning and how he was traumatised.

"Legolas was saying 'Thou Sayeth' over and over?" The man asked, biting his lip as he burnt his tongue to a charred crisp.

"Yes and he kept repeating it over and over and it was like he was screaming..."Frodo shivered at the thought. 

Aragorn raised a thoughtful hand to his chin and scratched. The previous night raced through his head again...The digestives...Haldir...The ...petty argument...Legolas's renovations and his lack of common sense.

"We must solve this mystery now and rescue him..."Frodo's eyes bulged with adoration at how caring his friend was even though both of the bigger beings had differences.

"Oh Aragorn I love you!" The hobbit pounced and hugged him tight. The receiver squirmed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

All of the former fellowship stared at the viridian gateway. The golden doorknob glimmered in the judgement day evening sun, glowing like hell and impending to them the devilry inside. All breathed silently and rasped as they exhaled. Boromir spoke.

"Are we going bloody in or not?" His voice erupted, before kicking the door off its hinges and charging into the darkness. His companions watched in horror, then relaxation as nothing attempted to kill or maim the pint loving brute until he was pulled hideously into the shadow without a word or scream.

"Oh my GOD HE'S GOT BOROMIR!" Pippin was beside himself with fear as he raced for the doorway only to find it was properly barricaded and an ashen face was radiating back at him.

"You will all stay. We have got what we set out for." The body moved and sat on the floor where the group found Legolas and a frightened looking Boromir sitting face down to the laminate flooring. Legolas was twitching. The blonde turned a shaky head.

"Sit and be spoken to."

I think I'll leave it there :) Tune back in for the next chapter coming soon...I keep putting it off but eh. I want to make it fun while it lasts ^.^


	7. Digivolve Into Nakedness

THE FULL MONTY

CHAPTER 7: - Digivolve Into Nakedness.

'So let me get this straight here…' Aragorn attacked an itch on his chin as he pondered over what had just been said. 'You two are supposed to be in Eurovision right now and that's why you're locked up in here as if you are slightly mentally disturbed?'

Legolas nodded avidly at the raven haired man's analysis of the situation while Haldir whispered in his friend's ear; 'Ooh Legolas, I think they've got it.' 

Since their hasty arrival, or rather breaking into the two elves flat, and after the capture of Boromir, who Legolas continued to sit on just for the pure satisfaction of the others discomfort, it had been revealed that the two formerly assumed 'insane' elves were in fact the representatives for Iceland this year in the Eurovision Song Contest which was taking place tonight and the two participants had got themselves into a right pickle. Haldir refused to go without Legolas and Legolas had the commitments of The Full Monty, also tonight, to attend to. Frodo was touched at Legolas's heartfelt longing to stay with them and see the thing through but was only snapped at that the elf had gone through the whole process of destroying a tacky gold ring because of him. He could only be obliged to stay with them down to that now didn't he? Aragorn was about to mention that the fellowship had diminished many years ago but got a swift tap from Boromir telling him to be quiet alongside a look in his eyes that said 'We need him, don't give him false intelligence.'

So after a few cups of tea, and an hour of waiting for the two flatmates to get ready for the event, Haldir in the audience and Legolas the performer, the group set off, to the pub, ready to at last do what they had set out to do weeks ago; The Full Monty. Sam was far from comfortable with the elves choice of clothes that they were currently wearing on route. Legolas had his hair in a skintight ponytail with purple sunglasses shielding his eyes, his bottom half was covered in a large brown trench coat and his upper half could not be seen. His companion had opted for a more business like look, a completely black trouser suit with the same hairstyle worn by Legolas and a scarf hanging haphazardly round his neck, which was, sooner or later, bound to catch on something and strangle Haldir. If this was the elves attempt at disguises they were gathering more attention than diverting it.

'Was this all really necessary?' Sam asked Legolas, whom was now clinging to red brick wall's corner peering around it for anyone suspicious approaching. The small, podgy hobbit was clammy with nerves as he looked at the pub's entrance across the road where a large crowd was brooding.

'Oh shit,' Boromir murmured from behind him. 'I'd rather be in Moria again and have that lot replaced by a whole load of Orcs than do this.' 

'Will I come backstage with you or will I go and sit inside?' Haldir was not worried, but on the other hand he was not the one about to get his kit off. Boromir, about to protest was promptly interrupted by Legolas.

'Ooh, you should. You don't want to be there with **him** there do you?' There was the sense that there was some sort of gossip tone in his voice as the rest of the performers watched on in disbelief. It was now official. They **did not** know Legolas. Haldir raised a hand to mouth and tutted. 

'I suppose you're right. I should avoid him.' 

'Yes. Sure what if **she** is there? She would kill you would she not?' Said Legolas.

'Oh she wouldn't care if a piranha bit her in the ass and she couldn't sit down again!' The Lorien elf spat, obvious disdain in his voice. His friend giggled.

'HELLO?' The meant to be a roar but came out as a squeak from Boromir, sick with nerves, barged into their conversation whilst quickly reminding them of the task at hand. 'We have a show to do, 'member?' This did knock some sense into the two gossipers but also disgusted them to the point they whispered some sort of comment about the Gondor male's manhood before scuttling off into the pub. The unusually quiet hobbits were next to enter, complete with expressions best suited to rabbits in headlights. Now only the two larger men were left suddenly taking an interest in the pub sign.

'Never noticed it was a horse on the sign before…' Aragorn slurred, rain beginning to seep into his hair as the heavens began to pour from the overcast gloomy clouds above them. His mate muttered in reply. 

'Yeah, a white one too…'

'Is it a pony or a horse?' said Aragorn.

'Dunno…An' the windows have pictures on 'em! Look!' 

Aragorn looked at the red and gold stained glass patterns on the windows, taking even more interest into them than he did to the sign; Boromir was already sticking his nose, almost pressing against one pane, to gather a closer look. There was a small 'hem hem' from behind them. 

Legolas stood with his eyebrows raised. His nerves too were beginning to show in his eyes.

'Our crowd awaits us gentlemen.'

***

'I wish I was a digimon.' Haldir's voice quietly sounded above the noisy din from the audience, almost sigh-like as he stared glazed eyed at his radio. This caught all of the rest off hand, including Legolas who instantly gave him a look of ultimate revulsion. His expression portrayed that of someone with a higher level of intelligence than the simple mindedness of Haldir and his digimon fantasy. 

'Don't be so stupid, Haldir. Digimon aren't real.' Legolas snapped at him while adjusting his own hair in a crooked mirror. Sam and Frodo looked on already dressed, not really caring about the state of their hair. It was the last thing on their minds at this moment and time. Haldir's head shot up, his glazed expression vanished into thin air and his lip became skeletal.

'If I was a digimon I could digivolve and kick your ass!' His voice crackled as Legolas looked on at disbelief at his comrade, before returning to the task of his hair slightly misty eyed.

It appeared that the tensions were indeed heightening as the starting time of the show came nearer and nearer, not much was said after Legolas's and Haldir's one sided argument but it hadn't made a great deal of change since not much had been said beforehand either. Aragorn had retreated to the bathroom to try and cure his urge to be sick every two seconds whilst Boromir just sat blankly on top of a beer crate, wishing he could drink the lot, pass out and get out of this mess altogether. Merry and Pippin were watching Coronation Street, every so often repeating lines the characters had said 10 minutes ago 5 minutes later. It seemed the time delay had became even larger in their minds so keeping time with the beat of music suddenly posed a dampener on the performance. Sam was engraving a trail of his own feet across the tiled floor as he waited on signal, pacing backwards and forwards unlike Frodo who was peeking out of the shabby red velvet curtains, now concealing the stage, announcing various people in hushed, timid squeaks and whispers.

'Look! Look, Sam, Sam, look who it is! Quick! Sammm…!' Frodo became frustrated as Sam continued to ignore him mercilessly, trying not to think and forget that the end of his world was near. Legolas sauntered over, still spitting at Haldir from their previous argument and poked his head through the crimson curtains. Sitting in the middle of the room was an aged man, sheer blonde hair and ice blue eyes. Beside him was a cross-faced slightly strawberry blonde woman beside him.

'Well he has a nerve showing up…' The elf muttered. 'Haldir!  Look its your boyfriend.' A sly smirk came over his face realising the pain that the other would now endure. There was an echoed 'Well tell him to fuck off then' from the small corner where he sat, transiently fixed still on his red radio. In the not too distant background there was a loud 'YRRCH' signalling that Aragorn's stomach was still not obeying him and Boromir didn't seem to care as he picked at the side of the crate, his actions becoming more rabid as the room started to become silent and there was a pitter patter of footsteps on the stage.

'Ooh bugger…Tell him five more minutes!' Sam's voice took the metaphoric form of nails down a blackboard during his state of panic, now alerting the others into their own state of frenzy. Unfortunately for the former King of Gondor, who had just emerged from the remnants of a backstage bathroom, this was not a welcome sign to his newly acquired self control of his stomach he was soon enough back into the toilet before Legolas could squawk and almost cause Merry to lose the senses in his left foot.

'Och nook….' Pippin looked at his hairy hobbit sized feet, chewing on a toffee crisp he had just nicked from Merry now trying to dissect Legolas's unmentionables from where they belonged. 

BANG.

Aragorn stormed out of the bathroom, his beard was glistening under the do it yourself style light lingering above him and his hair was partly brushed much to Legolas's surprise at the man's attempt at self-grooming.

'Lets do this bloody thing before it kills us. I don't want to spend the rest of my life throwing up my dinner.' He grunted, stepping out onto the stage by himself. The group had opted for badly sewn suits as their costumes, with Velcro tags for easy stripping. Legolas squeaked and held his hands to his mouth, whilst Pippin took Aragorn's lead, disappearing for the space of two seconds and returning, complete with shades and long black trench coat in a gone foul attempt at Keanu Reeves in 'The Matrix'. 

'Com' on!  The Matrix needs us…' The hobbit yelled as he hurled himself through the curtains. There was large clunks as Merry followed suit clasped entirely inside a Robocop suit, visor included which lit up causing Haldir to 'Ooh' in awe shouting the words: -

'SERVE THE PUBLIC! PROTECT THE INNOCENT!'

'Put me off sex for life.' Legolas finished the sentence for him looking bleakly to world outside the curtains. Boromir gurned.  Haldir gave Leggy a small shove with his pointy elbow, jabbing him right in the ribs. 

'Show 'em what you're made of gorgeous.' Haldir's eyes were warm with a sort of pride and comfort. His companion begged to differ.

'I'm not! I'm horrid!' He reclined from the curtains, stepping over Boromir's feet until he clung to the wall, trying to dig a way out. The man looked at him in a strange, compelling way.

'You are not ugly, you are better lookin than the most of us so get out there.' Boromir, uncomfortable handing out praise and friendliness to Legolas outreached a hand and pulled him up. The elf slightly taller looked at him and went out, only almost tripping on his shoes as he went, Haldir wolf-whistling in the background.

'Stupid poofy ass pirate...' He grumbled before taking one last glance at Haldir who was inadvertently, but probably not, directing his eyes at his crotch, a shiny smile lit upon his face. Incredibly uncomfortable, the man headed to the gap between the raggedy curtains before the elf's voice stopped him.

'They're comfy aren't they?' The same expression he had used on Legolas had returned.

'What are?' Boromir said.

'Keep the tummy nice and flat, always good.'

Boromir directed his attention to going out on stage again.

'I wear pink.'

'HE PROMISED HE WOULDN'T TELL!' The already obstinate man hissed and almost spat poison at Haldir who was still serenely calm and gentle.

'Faramir told me, not Leggy.'

'I'll bloody kill 'im so I will. Prick…Prick…Prick…' A hand pulled Boromir by the knotty tie outwards onto the stage so that a naked Aragorn faced him. One hand clutched between his legs the other on his friend's shoulder. 

'Join in mate!' White teeth bared themselves in a large grin while they weren't the only things on show. Boromir looked downward before asking.

'You waxed?'

THE END.

Its finished. After over a years worth of waiting, blood, sweat and tears, amidst other things this story is finished. I can only say it was a labour of love and I hope you all enjoyed it. Be kind in the reviews and I hope it made you laugh as much as it did me. 

xoxo 


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